The Cave of Last Retreat

You need a little background information for this piece, and it comes in the form of the BBC’s sit-com "Coupling", in the episode entitled ”The Girl with One Heart” from 2002. In it Susan re-decorates, and removes the lock on their apartments’ toilet door, whereupon the rather eccentric Welshman Jeff reminds us of one of the most important attributes of a toilet, namely "You need to be enclosed. Secure on all sides. Otherwise you can't de-clench". Steve confirms it further by adding "De-clenching is out of the question without a lock on the toilet door”, and then goes on to praise that such a toilet is “Modern man's version of a cave of last retreat”.

And so I sat there, on that proverbial throne, early in the morning, perched above a forest, with rain angling in towards my bare feet, being driven by a stiff 10degC wind, trying to de-clench . . .

I came to realise the truth in Jeff and Steve’s words and to see them in a new light, no longer as insecure sit-com characters, but men imbued with a wisdom which carries well beyond the television screen.

It was one of those moments when you asked yourself how you managed to get to that point? As I begin to lose contact with my increasingly wet and frozen feet I come to the realisation that it is a combination of factors, primarily driven by a misguided sense of adventure, and questionable wheelchair access design. The year was drawing to a close and we wanted, nay needed, to get away for a week or so. The Garden Route beckoned and I recall weighing up where to stay on our second night out of Cape Town. The choice was between a typically characterless 1970’s design accessible cottage located nowhere in particular and overlooking nothing in particular, or a potentially far more exciting treetop accommodation overlooking a forest. That was where common sense, and my normally impeccable research, failed me, as I opted for the latter.

As with most things, misadventures happen in threes, and with the first one now in place, the scene was set for the second to make its appearance, and it came from above. On the road up from Cape Town we passed numerous huge billboards proclaiming the region to be in the grip of a drought, which indeed it was, and for everyone to be water wise. Our arrival was therefore the perfect queue for the heavens to open and make every effort to assuage the lands’ thirst in as short a time as possible. The rain lashed down so hard we were forced to travel at 50km/h on the N2.

The ingredients were now in place for the third misadventure, on our arrival. The design of the wheelchair accessible treetop could perhaps best be described as “the sum of the parts do not make a whole”, or more accurately, not a cohesive whole anyway. The path led to the patio deck, which had no view, it in turn led to the living room, which overlooked the bedroom, which overlooked the bathroom, which overlooked the view. The best seat in the house was in the bath. More importantly, the only seat in the house, the toilet, positioned one with your back to the view, and in a stroke of creative design was open on two sides. Not a window, or a door, in the entire “out” house. It was almost certainly draftier than Steve’s “cave of last retreat”.

And that, dear readers, is how I came to gain respect for Jeff, and Steve, and find myself perched atop a forest, well and truly clenched. On a fine summers morn, with careful planning and mental preparation, one could perhaps have performed the daily ritual successfully, but with the rain hammering down, and the wind howling through, the weather Gods had not only found the bathroom door to be unlocked, but completely missing, and had decided to join me!